


Make our Days Count

by deadcandance



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 02:32:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6176728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadcandance/pseuds/deadcandance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The time when they were happy is long gone now, and the memories of it are even more painful than the reality itself.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Make our Days Count

**Author's Note:**

> I dedicate this fic to my friend Aurora, who supports me and puts up with me.  
> I wanted to write this for a long time and I know the topic is really sensitive, but I really tried my best.  
> I apologize in advance for the mistakes.

_“I went down a million stairs, at least, arm in arm with you._

_And now that you’re not here, I feel emptiness at each step.”_

_— E. Montale ‘Ho sceso dandoti il braccio’_

 

It’s the middle of the night when Anakin jolts awake, feeling his heart beating fast in his chest and his skin sticky with sweat. This has been happening a lot, lately, and that’s why he’s not surprised at all. He used to wake up like that because of his nightmares, but they stopped tormenting him a couple years ago. What keeps him awake, what troubles his sleep is fear now. A fear so great that the mere thought of it sends shivers down his spine and makes him feel cold and trapped inside an invisible cage. But he got used to it, as well. It has been months  since he had to deal with it for the first time.

He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down and when he finally manages to do that, his gaze meets the body of the man that has been sleeping next to him for the past years. Anakin lingers, his stare fixed on the pale skin of Obi-Wan’s shoulder, the only part of his body that is not covered by the blankets. It’s just a matter of seconds before Anakin’s human hand reaches the older man’s body and his fingers softly caress his shoulder. He lets out a sigh, knowing that he can’t help himself.

Obi-Wan wakes up and turns to face Anakin on the other side of their bed. He does know well the concerned look on the young man’s face and when their eyes meet there’s a tiny hint of a tired smile on his face. Anakin places a small and chaste kiss on Obi-Wan’s lips and he only speaks after a few more kisses like the first one.

« Sorry » he mutters, his lips still against Obi-Wan’s « Didn’t want to wake you up. »

« Liar. You have been checking if I’m still alive every night since we found out I am sick. »

Anakin looks down, feeling kind of guilty after his lover’s words. But Obi-Wan is right and he knows it. When he looks back at him he’s still smiling lightly and Anakin loses himself in his own thoughts while looking at the face of the man he loves so much, still beautiful, even after everything he’s been through.

The time when they were happy is long gone now, and the memories of it are even more painful than the reality itself. Anakin doesn’t know when he first realized that his love for his Master was greater than any kind of love he had experienced in his life, it’s like he has always loved Obi-Wan and maybe that’s exactly how it is. That’s why he wasn’t surprised when they kissed, when they declared their love for each other, when they made love for the very first time. It felt like it was their fate and it couldn’t be any other way. The decision to leave the Jedi Order had not been easy, especially for Obi-Wan. The Order had been his whole life for years, _their_ whole life. But they couldn’t be part of it anymore, not when protecting each other became the most important thing in the battlefield, it was not right and it could put other people in danger. So they left, without many explanations, but with the feeling that everybody knew the real reason behind their difficult decision. They had a new life waiting ahead for them, they could live this new life together with no need of hiding their love, yet it didn’t feel as good as they thought, not in the beginning. That was why Anakin decided that they should start their new life on Stewjon, Obi-Wan’s home planet, he thought that it would help him, but his old Master didn’t remember much of it since he was taken away from his home when he was still very young. They both liked Stewjon anyway, and with time their life got better. Anakin doesn’t think he had ever been as happy as he was on the day of their marriage. Not even on the day when he proposed to Obi-Wan and he said yes. Even in its simplicity, the ceremony couldn’t have been more beautiful and every detail of it is engraved on Anakin’s memory. They were so happy and they had no idea of what the fate had in store for them.

They both didn’t pay much attention to Obi-Wan’s symptoms in the beginning. He started to get tired easily, even the simplest tasks would drain him of his energy. Then came the headaches, light at first and then so strong that they made Obi-Wan wish he could kill himself just to end the unbearable pain. Anakin once found his husband curled up in a corner of their room, with his head in his hands, crying . That was when they finally decided that it was time to seek medical advice. The doctors couldn’t find a name for Obi-Wan’s disease, it was rare and there was no cure at all. Anakin would’ve dealt with his husband being sick, he would’ve taken care of him no matter what, he would’ve stayed by his side for the rest of his days but he couldn’t deal with the worst part of it. Obi-Wan was going to die. It could be months or years before it happened but there was absolutely no doubt at all that his disease would kill him.

Their perfect life suddenly shattered into a million pieces. Anakin could do nothing but watch as his husband became all skin and bones since he wouldn’t eat much, his body refusing even that small amount of extra food that Obi-Wan could eat when he wasn’t feeling too bad. All he could do was watch as Obi-Wan lost all of his beautiful auburn hair because of the medicines that would never heal him, as he started to wear large clothes and headscarves to hide his body and his head because he was ashamed of them. Anakin would always tell him that he was beautiful and not just because he wanted Obi-Wan to feel better, he truly meant those words and he found that Obi-Wan was beautiful because of the strength he proved to have, no matter how bad it was.

Anakin dedicated his entire self to his husband, until he ended up just living to take care of Obi-Wan’s needs. There were no other things in his life but his lover. He prepared the medicines for him and even if they lessened the pain, they made Obi-Wan feel numb and exhausted and he would spend his days in bed or sitting somewhere, not wanting to do anything else. He took care of him when he would throw up, staying by his side and gently caressing his back, cleaning everything after he put him back to sleep. He helped him have a bath and he would just take a quick shower whenever he was sure that his husband didn’t need him. It was a stressful life, but Anakin never complained and even if he knew that it was hard for him, Obi-Wan never saw Anakin without a smile on his face while taking care of him, not even once. But Anakin started to lose weight as well and he wouldn’t be able to sleep at night and the signs of the unhealthy life he was leading were clear on his face and on his body.

« Ani, are you alright? » Obi-Wan asks, bringing Anakin back to reality with his voice.

The younger man smiles and nods, lying back on his pillow, eyes still fixed on Obi-Wan’s.

« Yeah … I … uh … I was just thinking about something. Go back to sleep.» he says with a soft smile, trying not to worry the other man.

« Alright. Goodnight, then. Try to get some sleep, too. »

« I love you. »

« I love you too, Anakin. »

* * *

 

The days on Stewjon are sunny and warm most of the time. Anakin decides to have breakfast in the garden of their house. He is still cooking when he hears Obi-Wan’s light footsteps behind him and he turns to look at him. A bright smile appears on his lips as he notices that his husband looks ravishing this morning. Obi-Wan almost blushes at the way Anakin is looking at him while he takes a seat at the table in the kitchen.

« How are you feeling today? » Anakin asks, approaching the older man to gently hug him.

« A little bit better than usual. » he replies and puts his arms around the other. « What about you? »

Anakin shrugs and goes back to cook their breakfast. He hears a sigh and he knows exactly what Obi-Wan is going to say, before he says it.

« I’m not a fool, I know you aren’t fine. You have to take care of yourself, too. You even forget to eat sometimes! You are not going to save me, Anakin, I’m going to die either way so I don’t see why you should do this to yourself. »

Obi-Wan winces as Anakin slams his robotic fist on the kitchen counter. He puts a hand on his own chest feeling his racing heart since he was not expecting that burst of anger from Anakin. The younger man remains silent for a moment before approaching Obi-Wan, occupying the seat next to his. He takes his hand and smiles, but all Obi-Wan can see on his husband’s face is sadness and pain. He knows Anakin has not accepted his faith yet, and that’s why he keeps reminding him of it. He wants him to be ready when the worst will come. Anakin can’t simply keep pretending that they are going to stay together forever.

« I know you don’t want to hear this. But you must stop pretending that I have a chance to survive. It’s for your own good. »

Anakin doesn’t reply. He starts to sob, instead. It’s the first time Obi-Wan sees him crying since they discovered his disease. Of course, he cannot know that Anakin has been crying every night since that day, but only after he was sure that Obi-Wan was sound asleep.

« It makes me feel better. Pretending that everything is fine, that you aren’t sick and that I’m not going to lose you. But I do know that there’s no hope, Obi-Wan. » he says, his voice is barely audible.

This time is Obi-Wan’s turn to comfort Anakin. He puts his arms around Anakin’s body and gently squeezes him. For once, Obi-Wan doesn’t care that his body isn’t soft, that hugging him means making Anakin feel each bone of his pressing against his body. Anakin doesn’t care too and he buries his face in Obi-Wan’s robes, not giving a damn about the smell of medicines and _sickness_. He cries as he feels his husband’s skinny fingers stroking his hair.

« We can find a way to make the both of us feel better. » he mutters against Anakin’s messy hair.

« And what would that be? »

Obi-Wan smiles and places a little kiss on the other man’s head.

« From now on we will live each day like it’s the last one that we’re going to spend together. We will make each of our days special and unforgettable. At night we will go to bed we no regrets. If I wake up to live another day, it will be a blessing and we will make it even more special than the day before. If I don’t … well … I want you to keep in mind that I was happy, that _you_ made me happy, despite all this. »

* * *

 

Not so far from their house there’s a little lake in the middle of a small forest. They used to go there shortly after their marriage – they had even made love on the shore of the lake more than once, since no one besides them seemed to know about that place. After Obi-Wan’s words, Anakin is determined to make each of their days count and so he decided to bring him to the place he used to love very much.

The look on Obi-Wan’s face when Anakin helps him sit on a blanket near the shore makes him so happy that it feels like he could start to cry of joy at any moment. Obi-Wan keeps his eyes closed, he breathes the fresh air in and he smiles like he hasn’t done for a long time. He’s thankful that Anakin has taken his advice and even his husband looks happier and he really hopes he could see him like this for the rest of his days.

Anakin sits next to him and he wraps an arm around his shoulders, placing a lot of tiny kisses on his cheek. Obi-Wan laughs lightly and places a hand between his cheek and Anakin’s head, so the next kiss lands on his palm. Anakin frowns and pouts in a way that makes Obi-Wan laugh even harder.

« You don’t want me to kiss you? I’m offended. »

« I truly believe that I will never accomplish the list of things that offend you, darling. »

Anakin rolls his eyes and crosses his arms on his chest. Obi-Wan takes his husband’s head on his hands and kisses him deeply. He can’t remember the last time they kissed like this, maybe that’s why it takes a while before Anakin kisses him back. When they finally part, Obi-Wan’s panting a bit and Anakin looks totally shocked. It may be the funniest thing Obi-Wan’s ever seen.

« If you have to kiss me, at least do it properly. » he says, smiling.

« That was … unexpected. We should do it more often. » Anakin replies.

Obi-Wan looks at the water of the lake and listens to the sound of it. It’s like a lullaby and he knows that if he lies on the grass he would fall asleep. But suddenly Anakin stands up, and Obi-Wan looks up at him, confused. When the younger man begins to undress, he can’t help but stare at him in disbelief.

« Anakin, could you please explain what the hell are you doing? »

« Let’s go swimming! » it’s his husband’s enthusiastic reply.

Obi-Wan strongly shakes his head.

« Oh, no. No. I’m not going anywhere. I bet the water is freezing. »

Anakin takes off even his last layer of clothing and stands naked in front of Obi-Wan. The poor man sighs, it had been a long time since he had the opportunity to see Anakin like this, after all.

« I promise you it’s not _that_ freezing. Come on, Obi-Wan! Here, let me help you. »

« Fine. Okay. I swear to the Force, Anakin, if it’s freezing I’ll drown you. »

« Yeah. Whatever. »

Obi-Wan shivers as Anakin slowly takes off his tunic and he immediately pulls his arms close to his body, as if he wants to hide himself from those big blue eyes. Even Anakin has lost his old good shape but he still looks as handsome as he used to. Obi-Wan thinks he barely looks like a human being anymore, instead.

« I think I’ll keep the trousers. » he says, looking down.

Anakin simply nods and puts all their clothes in the bag he brought. Then he helps him to stand up and holds his hand firmly while they reach the shore of the lake. As soon as the cold water touches his feet, Obi-Wan almost jumps and looks at Anakin, who can’t hold back a loud laugh.

« Damn it! I knew it! » Obi-Wan hisses with his teeth gritted.

Anakin doesn’t reply, instead he gets into the water dragging Obi-Wan with him. The older man keeps swearing and complaining about the freezing water until Anakin stops and turns to face him. His eyes are full of tears, or maybe it’s just the reflection of the water that shines under the sun. Suddenly Obi-Wan doesn’t feel cold anymore, even if he’s almost neck-deep in the water.

« Do you remember the first time we came here? » Anakin asks, stroking his cheeks with his wet fingers.

Obi-Wan nods and turns his head to kiss those fingers. He traps the younger man’s index between his lips and watches as Anakin’s eyes follow each one of his moves.

« I can’t forget it. Not even all the times we came back after that. »

« What’s the best memory you have about this place? »

Obi-Wan takes some time to think about an answer. There are a lot of beautiful memories linked to this lake and he can’t choose which is the best one. But then he realizes that there had always been just _one_ thing that made this place look so special and those memories look so beautiful.

« You. » he replies.

« Me? » Anakin looks confused.

Obi-Wan tangles his fingers in his lover’s wet hair and rests his forehead on Anakin’s. Without him this would have been just a forest with a small lake, but Anakin transformed it into the background of some of their happiest moments. It was him, then, the best memory of it.

« I couldn’t choose which was the best one. Each one of them is special. Then I realized that it was you, there wouldn’t have been any of these memories if you were not there. »

Anakin wasn’t expecting an answer like that and he holds his husband even closer to his body, because he’s not able to say anything in that moment and the only way he has to communicate what he’s feeling is through the strong hold of his arms around the other’s body.

It’s Obi-Wan who breaks the silence that fell upon them.

« What’s yours? »

« This one. » Anakin answers, without even the slightest of hesitations. « I thought I would never be happy again, I was wrong. »

* * *

 

They spent the last month doing something new each day. At night, when it was time to sleep, they would both be exhausted, but happy and satisfied. They did everything they desired, no matter what and the most beautiful part of it was that they had no regrets at all. They were happy again, even if they knew that their life was cruel and merciless, but they enjoyed each second of the time they had left.

It’s just an ordinary morning, or at least it looks like any other morning they had had. Anakin is packing  their stuff while Obi-Wan takes a bath. He insisted that he wanted to do it alone and Anakin decided to let him do as he wished. He makes sure that he doesn’t forget anything, especially Obi-Wan’s medicines. They’re leaving for a few days, even if Obi-Wan wasn’t feeling too good lately. He made him promise that they would still go on the short vacation they had planned. He couldn’t protest.

As soon as he’s ready to close the second bag, Anakin hears the door of the bathroom sliding open. He turns his head to see his husband and he almost drops everything he’s holding in his hands. Obi-Wan is pale, way paler than he usually is, is skin looks almost grey and his whole body is shaking. One of his hands is pressed against his forehead and his face is contorted in a painful expression. Anakin wastes no time and approaches him, letting the robes he was holding fall on the floor. He knows that something is wrong: Obi-Wan shouldn’t feel any pain, not when his body is filled with drugs in order to ease his suffering.

« Maybe it’s better if you rest, now. » he mutters as he helps Obi-Wan sit on the edge of their bed.

« Anakin, I’m – It’s so cold. » Obi-Wan’s voice is raspy and Anakin barely understands what he is saying.

He takes the blanket from their bed and he wraps it around his husband’s trembling body. He holds him in his arms like he’s a child, pressing him against his chest. He doesn’t know what do to and no matter how hard he tries to keep Obi-Wan warm, he still keeps whispering that he’s cold. Anakin is aware that no blanket will ever warm him since the cold he feels comes from the inside. Obi-Wan knows too, but he still desperately clings with his fingers to Anakin, he wants to feel the heat of his body even more. It’s useless, though, he still feels that horrible cold sensation, as if the blood in his veins suddenly turned to melted ice.

Obi-Wan knows that it’s coming.

« I’m scared. »

He didn’t want to say those words, but he couldn’t help himself. He meets Anakin’s eyes as the younger man looks down at him, his cheeks are wet with tears. Anakin’s hand touches his face, gently brushing his cheekbones and his lips. Obi-Wan tries only to focus on his husband’s hands and not on the pain in his head and the cold in his whole body.

« Don’t be. » he whispers to his ear, kissing his neck behind it « I’m here with you. »

Obi-Wan nods and tries to smile a little bit. Anakin’s face is so close to his that he can feel his hair tickling his skin and the scent of the man he loves is so strong it’s almost inebriating. He isn’t afraid of death anymore, not as long as Anakin is holding him.

« Thank you, Anakin. For everything you’ve ever done for me. Thank you for making these last days the most beautiful of my entire life. If it’s true that we’ve only one true love, I’m sure you were mine. I hope you will forgive me for this … I had already lost this battle when it started. I’m so sorry. »

He opens his eyes only to look at Anakin one last time. _His_ Anakin. He reaches out to touch his face and tries to wipe the tears with his fingers. Anakin takes his hand and presses his palm against his lips.

That’s the last thing he sees. His lover’s big blue eyes, full of tears and pain as he places one last kiss on his hand.

« Will you wait for me? »

Obi-Wan doesn’t answer.

Anakin knows he will.


End file.
